Welcome

Welcome to Mother Haven, a private and confidential place for mothers when  a family member is suspected or accused of incest.  Mother Haven provides solacestrength and hope.

OUR PROMISE is not to judge, but provide compassion and support for other mothers.  Mothers are empowered by support, information and resources.   Millions of other mothers have endured this tragedy.  You are not ALONE.  There is HOPE!

“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.”  – Rumi

 

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6 Responses to “Welcome”

  1. Nelly Buttons October 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    What a wonderful place you have started for healing. You really have no idea how many people you will help with this site, but just know that you are helping more people than you will ever know ❤

  2. Pulaskifurniture.Org December 21, 2012 at 2:53 am #

    Thanks for writing Mother Haven, I just actually had been looking for anything similar and was grateful to come across
    the info as a result of this particular content.

  3. Mary gagne April 16, 2013 at 1:34 am #

    For over thirty years I have been trying to cope with the reality that my daughter was sexually molested by her father. Although she had problems she did not reveal the truth until after the birth of her first child when she was 26 years old. Although we were a divorced family, this has destroyed whatever connection we could maintain as a family. The pain and destruction has been unbearable and I have lost all hope of ever having any semblance of a relationship with my daughter. I feel blamed, used and abused. Her father denies everything although his absence from her lift speaks volumes. I feel I have nowhere to turn and I am so worn down by the suffering she has endured by self destructive behaviors and relationships and she has three beautiful children who are impacted. I feel such despair and anguish I pray for God to end all this suffering.

    • jordanssite April 18, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

      When our child has self-destructive behavior, it doesn’t occur to us that the root cause is sexual abuse or incest. It’s tragic that as mothers we are blamed and abused and told it’s our fault. Incest is not our fault. As secondary victims, mothers suffer grief, anguish, and tremendous pain as a result of this tragedy. Frequently, as in your case, the perpetrator is not around so we suffer the fallout. It sounds like that is happening to you. I understand how unbearable it must be for you. Thirty years is a long time to suffer. The incest broke my heart, destroyed my life, and tore our family apart. It is possible to put the pieces back together or, at least, find some peace for yourself. Feeling isolated and alone is common for the innocent parent which makes it infinately harder to cope. The path of healing is not easy but it’s possible. Living in the tragedy and ensuring suffering can totally wear you down. You need a break and support. You can’t fix your daughter but you can find peace for yourself. The path to healing starts a step at a time, a simple step. If you’re blaming yourself, start by repeating, “I am not to blame. It is not my fault.” Even if you don’t believe it, keep saying it. Take a break from your daughter, physically and emotionally. She is responsible for her life now. Even though you know her behavior is linked to the abuse and probably wish you could save her, you can’t. You CAN’T fix her. No matter how much we hurt for our children, we can’t fix them. These were the hardest two steps in my life but it was a beginning. You are not alone. There is hope. Millions of other mothers are out there. You found one mother who has lived through the tragedy, survived and rebuilt my life. It is possible to have a life beyond incest.

  4. Mary gagne April 19, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    I appreciate your heartfelt response. I understand I need to let my daughter go but it’s my grandchildren that I can’t bear to abandon. But she uses them to control me. I have thought of leaving the area to try to start to live my life. I have never felt so defeated after so many years of trying and being so disrespected. I pray for God to take me from this painful life. I don’t see any end to the destruction that is happening to all of us. It ruins everything holidays functions that the children are involved in become everyone disappearing. There are never family pictures together. She is so self absorbed that everyone walks on eggshells around her. It’s constant drama and if I stand up to her set limits for myself she becomes angry at me and I am the the one wrong. I don’t feel talking about it anymore helps. I really just want to go far away.

    • jordanssite April 29, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

      The situation is complicated. There are no simple answers. If you feel defeated and pray to be taken from this painful place, taking care of yourself is the first priority. You can choose not to go to family gatherings. Right now the reality is you don’t have a relationship with your grandchildren or daugher. NOW doesn’t mean forever. They will find you. Walking on eggshells around your daughter allows her destructiveness to continue. Setting limits means setting boundaries around her behavior towards you. Don’t your daughter blames you, don’t engage with her. Walk away and say “that is not acceptable”. The only person you can change is yourself. My daughter taught me that lesson if nothings else.

      None of this is easy. Start somewhere. You don’t deserve abuse. Take care of yourself one step at a time.

      Unfortunately, groups for mothers of sexually abused children are almost non-existent, which is why I started the website. Suffering for thirty years is a long time. If possible, find a therapist who supports mothers. A therapist saved my life. Read books on trauma, grieving and healing. Healing is a conscious decision.

      My heart is with you.
      Jordan

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